I was lost in the forests of northern Finland when I saw my first snowrise.
All around me, at first slowly, single flakes began drifting upwards from the floor and floating away from the spruce trees.
The air whispered and hushed as more flakes joined the swarm. Finally I was knocked to the ground as the whole white blanket rose around me, leaving green trees and bare brown earth.
The cloud of snowflakes hung there briefly, then streaked away.
It hadn’t occurred to me before that snow might migrate, but I guess everything likes to go south for the winter.
3 comments… add one
Changes I suggest…
1. All around me, [change to: slowly at first,] single flakes began drifting upwards from the floor and [omit: floating away or change to floated away (I would omit it)] from the spruce trees.
2. The air whispered [omit: and hushed] as more flakes joined the [add: hushed] swarm.
3. [omit: Finally} I was knocked to the ground as the [omit: whole..maybe use something llike blinding or colossal] white blanket rose around me, leaving green trees and bare brown earth.
4. snowflakes hung [omit: there] briefly..
Geat last line.
Thanks! Good points on the language, not sure what I was thinking with ‘at first slowly’…
Whether an excerpt from a larger piece or stand-alone prose, I liked it. The changes I suggested were ones I thought put focus on the important visual in fewer or more concise words…just my take.